


Dumb Bitch Hours

by Scourgefan12



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Gen, Sickfic, kind of shippy if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28749975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: Jan is feeling a little under the weather. Doc isn't very sympathetic.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Dumb Bitch Hours

Jan was not a person who made good decisions. This was a very obvious fact that was clear to everybody. Even, or maybe especially, Jan himself.

Few people were more aware of this than Doc. That's how he felt, at least. He had to look after Jan quite often, more because Jan chose to hang around him rather than of his own volition. Though to be fair, if he didn't want to do this, he could easily send Jan away. He was the one in charge here, out of the two of them anyway. But he didn't do this, he just let it happen. He willingly put up with having to constantly keep watch over Jan. Tell him to keep his voice down, or stop touching things, or to keep his hands to himself _for the love of god stop touching people_. ("People" being Doc most of the time, since normally it was just the two of them.) It was a pain in the ass, Doc imagined it wasn't unlike looking after a very poorly trained dog.

Doc told himself that he put himself through all this because he had to. _Someone_ needed to keep an eye on Jan, and the only other person who was willing was his brother. And since it would be unfair to force Luke to take on the responsibility all by himself, Doc decided to take one for the team.

If, during these times, he happened to occasionally enjoy their time together, well... That was nobody's business but his own, and nobody could prove anything. However, this was a rare occurrence, since Jan's default setting was obnoxious.

For someone with so little tolerance for nonsense, he thought he did a good job. About as good as could be expected of someone placed under Jan Babysitting Duty. He managed to keep his temper under control most of the time, not rising to the obvious bait Jan often tossed at him, only raising his voice or issuing threats if Jan did something seriously bad, such as breaking something. 

And he actually did manage to get Jan to behave himself reasonably well sometimes. Just give him something to do to hold his attention and he'd be far less destructive, it was easy once you got to know him and figured out how to successfully entertain him.

Of course, he wasn't always good at this. Looking after Jan was very much a learned skill, one he'd needed to hone over time. There had been a lot of blunders when Jan had first started pestering him, but eventually he figured things out. He would be proud of himself, if he thought that wrangling an overgrown fussy child was worth feeling accomplishment over.

Jan _really_ knew how to test his patience sometimes. No matter how used to the other's presence he got, Jan would still manage to find a way to piss him off.

Today was one of those times. 

It was supposed to be some sort of special event today, for the vampires at least. Group combat training, maybe? Doc wasn't sure, he wasn't the one in charge of the event, Major was the one overseeing it. All he knew was that it meant the high ranking officers should've been kept busy for a while.

It also meant that Doc essentially had the day off, since he apparently hadn't been needed. He'd been given the option to watch alongside Major, but turned it down. Not that watching the various creatures of Millennium tear into each other didn't sound fun, he just figured that if he had the option he should do something productive.

So, that's what he was doing. He was in the infirmary, sorting through the medicines and equipment stored there. He was doing this so that he could check and make sure none of it had expired or broken, and if it had then he would know what he had to replace. And he was sure there would be a few things, some of this stuff had been sitting around for a _while_.

Imagine his shock then, when he heard the door to the room open while he was in the middle of this.

He figured it was either an emergency, or someone bothering him for something small and trivial. When he looked over and saw Jan, he concluded it was the second option.

Great. This was exactly what he'd been hoping to avoid today. "Don't you have somewhere else to be?" He expected Jan to feign ignorance, or to outright admit it, saying that his obligations for the day didn't actually matter. So, when he didn't get any sort of response, he couldn't help but be a bit curious. And irritated. "Jan. Whatever you want with me can wait, go meet up with the others before you're late."

"Can't, I'm sick."

Doc couldn't hold back a scoff at that. "Vampires can't get sick." Really, if Jan was going to make up an excuse to try and get out of his responsibilities, he could stand to think up something more believable than that.

"Man, fuck you. I _am_." Jan snarled at him.

"Viruses and diseases that cause illnesses in humans have no effect on the dead, try again." 

Doc would admit, Jan was doing a decent job at faking it. His face was stuck in a convincing grimace, his arms were wrapped around himself in a sort of self-soothing manner, and his voice sounded strained as if he really were in pain. But, in the end that's all it really was. Fake, an act. No matter how good of one it was, Doc wasn't fooled.

"Yeah, I know. I'm not a fuckin' idiot."

"Of course you're not, you just expect me to believe you managed to catch something, despite just admitting to knowing such a thing is impossible."

Jan let out a groan, whether it was one of annoyance or pain was hard to tell. "Come _on,_ it ain't like that. If you'd just lemme explain."

At no point could Doc recall preventing Jan from doing so. "Fine, I'm listening." He stared expectantly, very interested in how Jan was planning to try and convince him.

"Well, y'know how vampires aren't supposed to like... eat and stuff, right?"

Oh. Doc sighed. "Yes, and I assume you knew this too before eating food meant for humans anyway."

Jan only nodded in response, face twisting up a bit more as his arms tightened around himself. 

"In that case, I guess I don't have much choice but to let you stay here for now." He could always send Jan back to his room to deal with this alone, and that was very tempting. But, this was kind of the exact place to stay for these sorts of things. Plus, Jan could be very stubborn when he wanted, he'd likely refuse to leave even if Doc told him to.

Jan didn't need to be told twice. He dropped down onto one of the free beds, then immediately regretted doing so when the sudden movement only irritated his stomach more. He muttered a quiet 'fuck' as he lied down and curled in on himself.

Doc slid a spare trashcan next to him before turning back to what he'd been doing. He didn't know when, but Jan would definitely get some use out of that sooner or later.

Jan groaned again, this time it was clearly out of pain. "Can't you give me somethin' to make it hurt less, at least?"

"No, I doubt anything I could give would work on you. If illnesses don't effect vampires, I fail to see why medicines used to treat them would do anything."

"So you ain't even gonna try?"

"Why would I waste perfectly good resources on you? Just wait, this will pass soon enough."

"Go fuck yourself. You're the worst."

"I'm actually being very kind right now, I could have forced you to participate in today's activities despite this. And yet, here I am, letting you waste away in here instead." Honestly, the only reason Doc didn't do this was because he doubted any of the others would appreciate Jan puking all over them in the middle of their combat training. "So really, I think a thank you is in order."

Predictably, this only pissed Jan off more. He was _not_ in the mood for any sort of teasing right now. " _Fuck_ you." He growled, moving one of his arms away from himself to flip Doc off. He managed this for maybe two seconds before returning it to where it was and curling up even more.

Doc let himself laugh at this before returning to actual serious discussion. "So, how much did you have?" Then, after a moment he realized he should maybe be more specific. Jan was a bit slow even at his best, so his brain was probably hardly even functioning right now. "Food, that is."

"What's it fuckin' matter?"

"Well, the more you ate, the longer this will last."

If the frustrated noise Jan made was any indication, that was not good news for him. "Fuck, I dunno. A lot, I guess?"

Doc nodded. When it came to blood, Jan already drank far more than he needed, and he didn't seem to consider that a whole lot. So, if Doc were to assume that he was the same way with food, that meant that this time Jan consumed more than average. Which meant that they were going to be here for a while. He wasn't sure if his choice to not pass this information onto Jan was a mercy or a cruelty.

"Alright, another question. Did you do this specifically to get out of today's training, or is this happening today just a coincidence?"

Jan chuckled a little before hissing out a quiet 'ow'. "Yeah, you caught me. Whole thing seemed like a pain in the ass, but I knew I couldn't just skip it so... y'know."

Doc shook his head. "The lengths you'll go to just to be lazy without getting in trouble are astounding." And Doc meant that, he was almost kind of impressed. "Are you regretting it? Is this really better than going through a few hours of training?"

"Don't gimme that shit, you know I'd be stuck there all day." Jan had caught onto that much, events such as these rarely passed by quickly. Not to mention, even after the training portion was over he'd have to wait for any wounds he sustained to heal, which could take days. "Like don't get me wrong, this is a real kick in the dick, but fuck that."

"You're right, now instead you'll be stuck _here_ all day, arguably in even more pain than you would have went through if you'd just done what you were told. I'm sure the amount of relief you're feeling is overwhelming."

"The amount of my dick in your mouth you're 'boutta be feelin' is gonna be overwhelming if you don't shut the fuck up." 

"Overwhelmingly small, maybe." Doc replied with a roll of his eyes. Normally he thought himself too mature to engage in anything like this, and he'd ignore any vulgar remarks Jan made. But it was just the two of them right now, it wasn't like anyone would see. Plus, he figured Jan would appreciate some sort of distraction, and humor seemed as good of an option as any.

That got the reaction Doc was hoping for. Jan full on cackled, this lasted several seconds before it was cut off by a gag, which turned into a full body shudder. Which was followed by a whine, and then Jan attempting to curl up even further.

Well okay, the second half of that wasn't what Doc wanted. He just didn't take into account that laughter might make the nausea even worse. He found it in him to apologize for that, stopping what he was doing and resting a hand on Jan's shoulder so Jan could tell he actually meant it.

The only reply Jan gave was a noise of irritation, but he didn't shake Doc off, so that was something at least.

It wasn't long after that when it became too much for Jan. His nausea mounted, and he sat up as quick as he could so he could get to the trashcan before emptying the contents of his stomach.

For the rest of the day, and even partially into the night, that was how Jan stayed. It was off and on, coming in waves. It would calm down for a few minutes, and he would think it was maybe over before it hit him full force again. After a while, he didn't even have anything left, he was just dry heaving.

Doc stayed by his side through this, he'd feel kind of awful if he didn't. Sure, he couldn't do anything to stop it, but that hardly mattered. A doctor's job wasn't to just treat their patients, but comfort them too. So, Doc did his best to provide Jan some sort of comfort.

It was hard to tell whether he was successful at all. When he was able, Jan complained a lot. Practically screaming about how much pain he was in, saying that he was in hell, that he was going to die. At one point he started crying, and he threatened Doc, saying he'd fucking kill him if he told anyone.

Doc was very tempted to say that maybe Jan could have avoided this, if he hadn't been such a colossal fucking idiot. He held himself back though, rubbing it in wouldn't help anything.

By the time it was over, Doc lost count of how many insults had been thrown his way. Less colorful insults than usual, since Jan wasn't exactly in a position to focus on how creative what he said was. Doc would never admit it aloud, but he missed Jan's usual treatment. He looked forward to experiencing it again once Jan was feeling better.

Despite how inflammatory he was, Jan would bitch even more whenever Doc left him alone. Even though Doc was never gone for long, only leaving to get Jan a blood bag to wash the taste of vomit out of his mouth, or to get a damp towel to clean Jan up with. During his moments of respite, he would cling to Doc. Doc would let him, holding him close.

Jan passed out very soon after the whole ordeal, having utterly exhausted himself.

He was still holding into Doc when he did this, which was... not ideal, but manageable. He guessed he could live with it, he didn't have any urgent matters to attend to. He'd made this bed, both the literal one he was stuck in and the figurative one involving Jan being out like a light for god knows how long while clinging to him like a lifeline, he may as well lie in it. If he was lucky, Jan would still feel bad enough when he woke up to not bother him too much, and maybe he'd be able to finish up what he'd been working on before he was interrupted. 

Only time would tell, he supposed. For now, all he could do was try his best to get comfortable and wait.

**Author's Note:**

> I was talking to one of my friends abt how Jan would absolutely eat human food & get himself sick on purpose to get out of things he doesn't wanna do, and well. I couldn't help myself


End file.
